Mount Saint Harper

Saul’s diagnosis has been hard on everyone in the family… and for different reasons. Jeff has overcome a lifelong fear of needles. I have quickly relearned basic math skills.  I’m still not sure how Mom is handling the day to day…  it appears she’s channeling her stress, aggression, fear and frustration into cleaning every inch of my house… which for me is turning out to be pretty sweet.

Harper on the other hand… is having a really difficult time.

It was easy when Saul first came home because she had missed him while he was in the hospital.  Once he was home however, she quickly realized life had changed. In many ways her small three year old world has been turned upside down.

We used to let both kids wander the house with Sippy cups drinking at their leisure, till their hearts (or bladders) were content- we no longer do this.

We used to allow both kids to “graze” typical toddler/preschool eating behaviors- we’re trying to stop this.

We used to let Harper to eat at her “special table” while the rest of us sat at the dining room table- she can’t do this anymore.

We used allow Harper to “be excused” before the rest of us were finished eating- she has to stay at the table now.  

On weekend mornings we used to get up, hang out, cuddle in bed, cuddle on the couch. On regular school days we used to get up watch Mickey, get dressed… now it’s a rushed, regimented routine of glucose checks, weighing food, feeding Saul, giving insulin.

Last night was the catalyst… Mount Saint Harper erupted… it was disruptive. violent. and damaging. She took most of it out on me screaming that she didn’t like me. that she wanted to throw me in the trash.  she wanted me to just leave. Mom tried talking to her. Jeff tried talking to her- nothing seemed to work. Fed up and stressed out I eventually forced her to bed… tears and all. As I attempted to tuck in flying arms and legs she said “Mommy I just wish you loved me like you love Saul.”

The past two weeks for me has been nothing but pure survival. In all my frantic rushing, and fixing, and checking, and stressing I totally forgot about Harper. Sure I tried to talk to her and explain what was happening, and sure she could repeat everything back to me.… but what I hadn’t allowed her to do was vent… to express her emotions… to talk about her feelings, fears, and frustrations with all this.

Thank goodness we as parents are allowed to make mistakes and fix the errors of our ways. Thank goodness today was a new day.