A. I’ve been up to my eyeballs in puke and poop the past 48 hours.
B. I’ve made no definite decision.
C. I’m actually somewhat embarrassed to complain about my 1st world problem to the internet - especially when I know I’ll have folks comment things like “so sorry” and “understand” when really they want to type things like “suck it up” and “just deal.”
Honestly, the thought of staying home with Saul never crossed my mind. Naively, I assumed I’d be back to work, “back in the swing of things” and *ahem* “back to normal” by this point and time. I’m not really sure what I expected… I guess that everything would be the same as before with the exception of a few glucose checks and insulin shots.
Except. Here. I. Am.
I vastly underestimated the amount of work this whole process was/is going to be. Currently it’s a full time job. Sadly… it’s a job I’m sharing with Mom right now because she has selflessly offered to “do whatever” “for “however long.”
I am using all of my sick and emergency days to get me to Feb. 22nd at which point and time I will have to decide whether or not to take FMLA … and how much… 2 weeks?… 4 weeks?… 12 weeks?
I hear the clock ticking. I feel the pressure of unfinished jobs at work. I look at the calendar and realize that March 1st will be here soon – another book fair, Title 1 night, all the program review work, SBDM meetings…. and then… all together I stop thinking, because that minute of thought is over… and I’m now dealing with a screaming, inconsolable 16 month old baby… frantically trying to problem solve and “just deal.” “Is he too high? Is he too low? Did I give him too much insulin? Did you measure out the carbs or did I?” “Did you throw away that package??? It had all the information on it!” “Harper did you give that to him? Where did he get that?”………… And that’s just what a matter of 5 minutes is like…….
I can’t even imagine being capable of functioning at work – had I gone this week. On average I am getting about 2-3 hours of sleep each night, some nights better … other nights (like last) worse than when he was an infant… hanging out on top of the dryer… while I cried my eyeballs out in the other room begging him to PPPLLLEEEEAAAAASSSEEEEEEEE juussstttt gggggooooo ttttoooooo sssssslllllleeeeeepppppp!!!!!!!!!!
I get up at least 2 times a night to do glucose checks. He’s been getting up nearly every hour on the hour to just cry… and cry… and cry some more and his only comfort comes in the form of his arms wrapped around my neck with his head nestled into my shoulder while I… walk, rock, sit or lay. It’s an honor… yet exhausting.
See the thing is… I’m in a state of ultimate guilt. I think nearly every single woman who’s ever had a baby and then gone back to work 6… 12… 18… 150 weeks later… has felt this exact same feeling and asked herself these exact same questions.
Should I stay home?
Should I go back to work?
Isn’t my child my responsibility?
Can a babysitter do it as good as me?
Am I missing the best years of my kids’ lives?
Can I afford to not work?
Are the sacrifices of staying at home… worth it?
Will I miss out on job opportunities?
The thing is… I like my job. The thing is… I like my kids.
I like having (even what little it may be) contact with other adults and professionals, and you know… the whole “getting paid part” isn’t half bad either. Sure I’ve got a couple leads on possible childcare scenarios for Saul. Sure… Mom could theoretically stay until I finish in May… but would those choices be best for Saul? If I were to stay home what about Harper? Would the sacrifices she’d have to make be fair? No more ballet? Forget about pre-school next year. No more weekend trips or spring break vacation… blah and blah and more blah to deal with.
And so my internal war continues to wage, I realize I’m not going to come off the battle field without wounds, injuries and heartbreak.
I seek comfort in knowing, however, that whichever side wins, I’ll at least have other soldiers to help me through… folks who’ve fought the same fight… who are fighting the same fight… and can help me adjust to the aftermath.
Post Script. 5 minutes before I went to push the publish button for this post- I suffered my first “freak-out” and jumped the gun by calling the Doctor on call. Saul’s numbers kept dropping… even after we did the 15-15 rule… every little choke on a sip of juice freaked me out… any minute I was ready to bust out the glucagon and call 911… luckily we got it up and I settled down and even managed to get a few chuckles out as we watched Saul do a little “happy dance.” Caffeine is the equivalent of crack to a 16 month old.
It's a tough decision. You worked hard to get to the place you are in your career, but you have a little one that depends on you even more so than most at this age (not that he realizes it, but you know). And your concerns are valid, so don't think you are over analyzing the situation. No matter what you decide, you will have family and friends that will supprt your decision. :-)
ReplyDeleteThe decision to be a stay at home mom isn't easy for a mom whose kids are 100% healthy, let alone those moms who, like youeself, have little ones with health concerns. I worked outside of the home for a while when Samantha was an infant, because I had no choice, and hated every minute of it (probably because it wasn;t my choice to work and I hated my job...lol). However, I have been thinking of going back to work once she goes to school, which would mean a sitter for Andrea. Decisions, decisions.
ReplyDeleteThe point is, it't not easy for any of us who love our children and want to be there for every little thing. However, sometimes, we NEED the time away from them to alow us to appreciate more all those wonderful things too.
You will make the best decision for you and your family, you always have (or so it seems from my distant view..:)) Hang in there lady.