What do insomnia, fear and twitter have in common? I’m not really sure but here’s my post for the day.
Insomnia and I are best friends. We just met about two weeks ago. He comes around 11 pm and refuses to leave my side till waking hours- say around 6-7 a.m. I guess I’m thankful for the company especially during Saul’s “night checks” but I’d much rather be hanging around my old friend sleep…. She was a much better influence on me and I liked her a whole lot better.
I guess really it’s my own fault. I know that I’m summoning him each night as I lie in bed and allow my mind to drift to “fears.” I’ve only got two but they consume every single ounce of me. Insomnia brings them out… makes them worse… won’t allow me to let go of them. During the day I’m usually okay because my attention is pulled in 50 directions. At night, however… in silence… when insomnia comes… when there’s no one asking me to fill Sippy cups or play dress up or turn on Mickey… I lay there thinking, worrying, dreading… fearing.
2 things.
1. Every single time I see those dreaded numbers. Those numbers below 70. Those numbers like… 65… 59… My adrenaline starts pumping, I want to throw up. I want to cry. I am so angry. I start freaking out. There he lies lethargic, shaking, refusing to be held, touched, consoled and all I can do is wait… and pray that they go above 70 in 15 min. The wait is agony. It’s 15 of the longest minutes of my life each and every time. And… each time his numbers drop I know it’ll be “this time.” I watch for any possible signs- eyes fluttering, shallow breathing… I know that any second he’ll go unconscious... won't be able to swallow… It’ll be this time I have to use the glucagon… this time that I call 911… this time that I’ll have to hold him and wait… wait for the ambulance to come while he slowly slips away.
2. In a thousand years I never would have put Type 1 diabetes and “neurodevelopmental disorder” together in the same sentence. Sure I immediately worried about his eyes, kidneys and nerves… I have seen firsthand the damage that diabetes can do to a body. But diabetes effecting brain development? His cognitive ability? Whoever stops to think about the relationship their stupid pancreas has on their ability to learn.
I can’t escape seeing the connection everywhere … in everything I read… every medical research article “The relationship between hypoglycemia and possible neuropsychologic impairment is of far greater concern for the very young child than for older children and adolescents. Many reports describe subtle neuropsychologic or intellectual impairments.” I’m constantly inundated with the fear and frustration that I’ll have no control over a disease that will greatly impede his future opportunities. I want to scream at someone... I"M TRYING TO CONTROL HIS LEVELS.... BUT... BUT... BUT... NOTHING I DO SEEMS TO HELP... AND... AND.... AND... HE'S LOSING PRECIOUS BRAIN CELLS........ *sigh*slump*
On a lighter note… after reading thisiscaleb.wordpress.com I feel so much better about turning to social media for assistance throughout this whole process. I was going through old posts on this blog and found a story from Lorraine who was recounting a trip with her 3 kids (one of which is diabetic) to the ballpark. She got there gave him a hotdog and couldn’t find the carb count in Calorie King… after a somewhat unsuccessful Google attempt she turned to twitter…. And was instantaneously hit with a thousand replies but even more important perhaps… she had the feeling of support that she wasn’t doing “this” alone.
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