About a
month or so after Saul’s diagnosis – and several weeks into blogging, I asked
Sebulsky to write a “guest post.” I thought it would be clever- and funny, if
he wrote about one of his obsessions, and how his carefully thought out, detail-
oriented plans, would work now that our lives included a chronically ill
toddler- one that is reliant upon a synthetic medication- in order to stay
alive.
I remember
plain as day – the two of us- sitting there across from each other in our
recliners- following that Sunday episode of Walking Dead- when we both came to
the realization that “hypothetically speaking…. Saul would be a goner.”
It was early
into his diagnosis. We were still on insulin injections. We were averaging
15-20 BG checks a day. I was still angry. I left the conversation… and my
recliner. I went to the bathroom to cry.
I cried
because I wouldn’t be able to save my son from becoming a zombie.
Saul has
been doing really well lately. Sure- we’ve
had a few highs and lows (a donut AND a biscuit in ONE DAY… HELLO!…. 2 hours of
running outside non-stop without pump suspension or temp basal… WHATDA YA
EXPECT?).
It’s when
things are somewhat normal, when levels are good, and we’re just chugging along…
smiling and happy…. That’s when I say to myself… “Yeah… but he’ll never survive
the Zombie Apocalypse.”
I know. I
know. It’s stupid.
#1. While
Jeff likes to talk about it… a lot…. I don’t really believe it will happen… but
then again you never know.
#2. What is
up with my pessimism? Why can’t I just enjoy the moment for what it is- soak in
the “good times” and not anticipate the “what if’s?.”
Maybe it’s
because
We live in a
culture of fear… fear which we cannot escape. TV shows, movies, news… we’re
surrounded by it. We’re overwhelmed by a
constant reminder that at any moment our lives could be rocked by (fill in the
blank) _____________________ (a natural disaster, a terrorist attack, an
apocalypse, a crashing economy, a widespread plague).
There is no
possible way I can prepare Saul for all the future obstacles he may face in life-
with or without diabetes – and believe me… I’ve thought of nearly all of them.
-
Trapped
in an elevator (okay… so actually trapped anywhere… for any amount of time…
without insulin or treatments for lows)
-
Driving
-
Traveling-
(to remote locations…it’s sometimes like being trapped)
-
Forgetting
medical supplies
-
College
(any and everything related to college…. I worry about college… yep… everything
about college… let’s not talk about college… he’ll have an artificial pancreas
by then… right? Right.)
I could go
on and on and on… stupid, ridiculous “self-created” situations and events…. “he
would die on a stranded island” (but wouldn’t most of us?) “he won’t be able to
live in space” (but would he want to?)
on… and… on…
and on….
Or, I could just
stop living in fear.
I can teach
him (and everyone around him) how to treat and manage his condition. I can
teach him to advocate. I can teach him to problem-solve. I can teach him to
prepare and plan and be responsible.
I could just
stop fearing diabetes and the “what could happen” because of it.
It seems like
the most logical action.
So why can’t I just do it?
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