It’s 1:25
a.m. 4 hours before I have to get up and go to the hospital for a C-section. I’m
absolutely terrified. I am a nervous wreck. I’m afraid I’m going to throw up or
pass out on the operating table. I got sick last Thursday. I’ve been on a Z-pac
since then. I got bronchitis and have had a terrible cold/headache/flu.
Dr. Onan is
doing the surgery. I’m scared. She’s using steri-strips instead of glue- like
Dr. Fuson used.
Fears-
I have so
many fears. What if something bad happens- blood clot, pneumonia, unable to
move, trouble breastfeeding.
Fears-
What if the
baby is sick, deformed, what if something is wrong with him? What if something
happens to him? What if he stops breathing?
Fears-
Post-partum
depression, anxiety, what if we don’t bond?
Fears-
What if
something happens to Harper on the way to the hospital?
I keep
telling myself… you’ve waited for this, waited for him. You’re doing this for
Harper. She needs a brother a baby brother. Harper needs a sibling.
Brooke is
doing this 3 times. O’nan did this 3 times. You can do this. You did it once before.
This is
something good. Something wonderful. You're having a baby.
Enjoy this
moment- enjoy him. This will be the last time you’re pregnant. This is your last
birth. This is the last baby you will breastfeed.
You have so
many people praying for you. Praying for this baby. Saul. Prayed for. He’s not
here and he’s already getting prayers.
I wish I
could quit work to raise kids.
I wish I
could take more time off to be with this baby.
Go to sleep.
Don’t be afraid. It will be okay. You will be okay. He will be okay.
*I copied this exactly as I wrote it 2 years ago in a journal the night before my scheduled C-section. All the fears and anxieties were worth it. What an amazing 2 year's it's been. Happy Birthday little buddy. Mommy loves you.
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