Which came first...

“I just want to pet you”

Not something you typically hear (or want too-  for that matter) from those in the medical profession… like… say… your child’s pediatric endocrinologist.

(I won’t lie… sometimes I wonder who’s crazier… I guess that’s why I like her so much).

That… and… well… she gives great hugs.  

I saw this shirt today on Pinterest.

 

It made me chuckle.

It’s no surprise to anyone who knows me- or who has lived with me, that I might just have a “touch” of anxiety. Accepting the position as Saul’s full-time pancreas has in no way helped this pre-existing condition. In fact, as you might have guessed it’s only worsened the situation.

It kinda all hit on Wednesday at our 3 month A1C checkup when the apt seemed to be more about me and the state of my mental health than Saul.

“You guys are doing everything right.”

-          “But the seizures… they were so… bad”

“He’s a typical type 1 toddler”

-          “But his numbers are all over the place”

“It’s really hard at this age… but you’re doing beautifully”

-          “But food… food is awful… it’s a huge issue in our house”

“You have to start getting sleep. You need to sleep. If we have to run him high we will…. You need sleep.”

-          “But the lows… THE LOWS!!!”

“You have to see that you guys are doing all you can do, it get’s easier… it will get easier.”

 

*sigh*

A1C – 7.9 (great, thumbs up, keep it up)

Weight – 28 lbs (growing… that’s good)

Height- Can’t remember… (but growing… that’s good)

Blood pressure- don’t remember… (but fine… no worries)

Development- right on track

Attitude- typical crazy 2 year toddler (diabetic or not) as evidenced by the screamed NO’s and light-switch temper tantrum.

*sigh*

It’s not endless finger sticks, not blood, not injecting harpoon needles into thin skin, untangling pump tubing…

Right now. At this very moment… it’s the toll diabetes is taking on my mental health. It’s the crazy nature of the beast…. That you can try and try for perfect BG’s and never get them… you can go to sleep one night with excellent BG’s and wake up the next morning to a hypo seizure… it’s the constant worry (no matter how much I try to not think about) of future complications… eyes, amputations, kidney dialysis…

I put Saul down for a nap today and I gave him a cuddle and a squeeze.

Me: “Saul you okay?”

Saul: “Uh-Huh”

Me: “You feeling okay?”

Saul: “Uh-Huh”

Me: “Is Mommy okay?

Saul: “No. Mommy crrrraaaazzzzy”

Yep. That just about sums it up.