Discussing difficult D’s

Doctors and counselors will tell you there is a process to grieving- a step by step method that allows one the ability to mentally and emotionally “let go.”

There are some things I remember from 5 years ago that are as plain as day. The dark, deep days of endless depression, the hours of crying, the sadness in Jeff’s eyes, the physical pain, the rage, envy and hatred I secretly felt towards any woman (who by my standard) was incapable of caring for one child – let alone the 3 or 4 I would see them dragging into a store, the knot in my stomach that would tighten when I’d glance at a magazine cover of celebrity pregnancies, the unexplainable sadness and awkward silence that would fill the room when a diaper commercial would be sandwiched between episodes of Days of Our Lives and the Nightly News.  

Each of us at some point in our lives will be faced with (an) insurmountable obstacle(s) to overcome.  Tonight I am reminded of my own personal struggle because tomorrow will be the 5 year mark. 

I’ve only shared my story with women who’ve experienced similar losses. While there are some things I remember… a lot of what happened during those days is marred with confusion, blame, misunderstanding and my attempt to blank things out as they occurred.

It was my first pregnancy. I didn’t know about that whole “don’t say anything till the second trimester” My Dr. refused to do a DNC. I was 30. I ended up in the emergency room. I should have sought counseling. I questioned God. It was the most physically painful experience of my life. I will forever be grateful it happened in the summer. My two Aunts and Mom came and spent a week with me- they painted my house and re-decorated… and although I sometimes look at the wall color and pictures and think…  "hmm…” it also reminds me of the love of family. I blamed myself. Sweet Daisy girl was by my side. I spent a week on the couch watching episodes of LOST in complete darkness. I shut Jeff out. I laid in bed at night scouring countless websites. I developed anxiety. I felt regret. I hated anyone and everyone who said “it’s in God’s hands” “it was meant to be” “things happen for a reason.” I promised to always remember.

Hardly anyone (except Jeff) would have ever guessed I was traumatized by the experience. In public, with family, around friends I refused to show any sign of sadness, anger, frustration or regret... though inside I was grieving.

I realize now that most anyone and everyone ended up being right.

And although I am fortunate to be blessed with two healthy, smart, hilarious, awesome kids – tomorrow I will take a minute… I will step away from them- away from the toys, the singing, the playing, the incessant noise and I will sit in silence- alone – if only for a minute… to grieve the loss of one of two miscarriages I’ve experienced… both very different… but equally sad.

I will remember. I will let go. I will move on.